There comes a point of time in your life, where you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that something needs to change.
You feel it within your heart and body and mind and SOUL.
It feels enormous, and it has been building, growing, gaining momentum inside of you…
It feels alive, it has its own desires, dreams and intentions for what it wants to accomplish… what its ready to CONQUER.
There is SO much energy contained within this drive, this desire, this massive yearning of gigantic proportions.
You are confused, you are not sure what to do with it, how to deal with it and there is so much uncertainty around what and how to approach it.
It feels so big and SO overwhelming…
How am I ever going to be able to do that?
How am I ever going to be able to channel this?
How am I ever going to harness and express what I feel inside?
How are others going to feel when I do?
What if people reject me?
What if people reject me, mock me, and just straight up HATE me for what I say, what I choose to do, how I choose to live my life?
The fears are massive and you didn’t even realize that they were there, until you really faced the realization that, you now have a choice.
You either choose it or you don’t, and it feels like this massive choice of life or death.
Life or death— it is THAT massive.
Death… the dying of what was once the person who you used to be.
You used to know this person, you have been through so much in your relationship that it is so scary to let go, to let that shell crumble and melt and fall apart, to expose the messiness, the vulnerabilities contained within.
You’re not even sure WHAT it is… but you DO know that you feel it.
It’s there, its ALIVE, it feels so REAL, there is no escaping it.
It’s so real that you either face it or DIE.
Its pulsing, building inside of you and you have no idea what to do, except…
Know that it is GO time.
Time to pull the trigger.
Except you have no idea if whats going to come out is a tiny pebble, or a massive atomic bomb.
Let’s hope its massive and earth-shattering… how could it not be?
All you know is that you have this WITHIN you, encompassing you, OVERWHELMING YOU…
It feels BIG. Fucking Huge!!
It knows that in this space and state and place that you are vulnerable as all hell.
For one reason, and one reason only.
It wants to be FED.
It’s disgusting how hungry this thing is.
It WANTS what it WANTS and it WANTS it now.
It has an INSATIABLE DESIRE… a HUNGER and a desire for MORE.
It’s primal, existential, and when you allow yourself to feel it, it feels as if you are going to either fall IN or get so LOST inside of it, that you’ll never return…
Maybe that’s the whole point.
Possibly the only reason that its there, is to wake you the fuck UP to its purpose, its reason for existing…
It DESIRES your UNDIVIDED attention.
It is SELFISH.
It is all CONSUMING.
And, it is also neutral.
It doesn’t really CARE how you decide to use it.
It really has no judgement or opinion over how you determine to be in relationship with it, for it will match you step for step.
It IS within you … and you used to HATE it.
You used to feel ASHAMED that it was within you, and wanted to DENY its existence.
You’ve made excuses for it.
Reasons why you’re not LIKE THAT anymore.
And the truth is— that that is BULLSHIT.
You are.
It’s not just a part of you.
It is you.
It is who you ARE.
You can only deny who you really are for so long, before it starts to eat at you.
Nudging at you at first, poking you and letting you know that its hungry.
It wants you to feed the fuel of its fire.
The fire has been lit a long time ago and yet has only been an ember, a spark.
You’ve noticed this before, and you’ve stubbed it out, you’ve found warmth in other people’s fires.
You denied that you had this fire within you!! Made excuses as to why you don’t trust your ability to keep your own fireplace lit.
WILL THE REAL YOU PLEASE STAND UP?
This is like a whole new fucking level!!!
You’ve numbed it out long enough.
It’s time to really OWN it, stand up and just let it be easy.
Did you know that when you simply just give yourself permission to be who you are, that life begins to flow with an ease, a flow that is UNPRECEDENTED?
You will be amazed and delighted to discover that when you allow yourself to just let this flow wash over you and begin to guide your life that all your wildest dreams will come true.
No, it will not always be easy, and there will be challenges. But it is the magnitude and energy of the dream that will fuel you on cool nights.
It’s never cold when you’re got that inner fire fueling you.
This thing is really here to help you accomplish everything that your heart desires.
The seed, the fuel, this overwhelming desire from within you is your greatest gift and you may not realize this yet…
But you are the most powerful being in this entire Universe.
All of it is contained within you.
Don’t try to label it, don’t try to judge it, and God FORBID you try to stifle it.
It can be your greatest FRIEND or your biggest DEMISE.
It will bring you to your knees when you think you know better.
It will slap you in the face when you try and control it, for it won’t do what it doesn’t want to do.
The best course of option is only to surrender to its Highest Desires and allow it to consume your every thought, your every waking moment … it will stalk you.
It wants you to be OBSESSED with its every need.
Because the truth is— your highest actualization — the energy of your highest and truest fulfillment wanting to come through it.
I feel it, pulsing through my veins as my fingers type wickedly on the keys.
I can hardly get it out fast enough, fingers flying over the keys not even knowing anything that I’m writing, just becoming the channel for which it is coming through me, not even comprehending the magnitude of the thoughts, of the forms, of the light and wisdom and darkness and truths giving myself permission to harness it all.
To be a conduit, a messenger for the masses of what it is that desires to flow through me.
I stay with it.
The energy comes in waves.
Some of it feels like my friend.
Some of it I want to hold back and not share it.
Even I judge it as it comes out, and I want to hold back out of fear for how it will be perceived.
Well fuck that! I’m DONE with shrinking, playing small and not sharing the intensity of which that wants to consume me.
I am and have always been an extreme person.
I am and have always been this way.
When I denied it, I fell into a deep dark hole. I would have never thought that the thing that almost destroyed me completely was actually trying to help me.
Imagine that…
That everything you thought you knew about who you are is dead.
That old you is gone and who you are now is birthing out into the world in forms which are unknown, and unleashing your true art and creations into the world is what is required for your evolution, for your survival.
It is what it is, however you feel about it.
I don’t know if this is your truth, but I do know that if you feel it, if you are here and you know and you feel this deeper darker truth about yourself is…
That you have this thing inside of you that you are afraid of, you want to know what it is that you truly desire and you’re trying to find it in all these other areas of your life..
What if this feeling, this desire has an ultimate purpose in your life?
What if you gave yourself permission to actually go there?
There is nothing wrong with you.
This thing inside of you…
It loves you.
It supports you.
Let it BECOME you.
Yours in Truth + Light,
Lauren Love